Perfect parenting: Navigating expectations and aspirations

In an age where parenting seems to be under constant scrutiny, the stress of raising children has evolved into a modern-day burden

In the olden days, it wasn’t uncommon to be born in large families and be raised along with several siblings. But for some reason, parents back then did it with a laid-back approach and have not been heard or known to feel pressured by the size of the family they had to support. My paternal grandparents had 13 children and my maternal grandparents had ten.

It is a scenario impossible to even imagine in modern times, where stress has become a staple for all – from kindergarten children to pensioners past their prime. Today’s parents are engulfed in a whirlwind of expectations, constantly feeling the weight of being “perfect” while juggling the unrelenting pressures of life.

The irony is not lost on any of us—despite our best efforts, parents often feel they are falling short, outpaced by a society that holds them to impossible standards. Dr Vivek Murthy, the US Surgeon General, recently said that parental stress is a significant public health issue and called for shifts in cultural norms.In our hyper-connected world, where every action and decision is subject to public scrutiny, the quest for perfection is an unending pursuit that only leads to exhaustion. We need to pause and ask: Are we, as parents, pushing ourselves into a corner, one where our best is never good enough? How far should we go to prove our merits and how much strain can we take before we break at the seams?

A young parent recently mentioned how she was waiting for her toddler to grow up by a few years so that the tensions of the difficult years are past, but the truth is the stress of parenting seldom leaves, no matter how old the children become. It is in the psyche of the parent to be ever concerned, with the concerns and expectations only changing with age. Once a parent, always a parent. There is a relentless battle to become the perfect parents who have raised peerless offspring that the world would appreciate. This pressure to adopt the best practices of parenting is now increased manifold by social media which presents picture-perfect family lives. What parents often forget is the travails of raising children are never easy and what seems perfect on social media are filtered versions of a life and landscape filled with challenges.

The idea of being a ‘perfect parent’ is a myth and it would be prudent on the parents’ part to recognise that benchmarks set by society, media and peers are often unattainable. Each family should set its priorities and boundaries commensurate with its resources, circumstances and the children’s capacity to undertake over-demanding expectations from all around.

How parents of yore have been able to divide their attention between the litany of concerns and complaints their children must have presented baffles me. The joke that goes around in our family is this – the children just grew up; no one raised them by following any stringent standards.This attitude may not work in our times where the bars are set so high and the race for achievement is taken so seriously that parents find themselves caught in the quagmire of worry and anxiety even after the children have flown from their homes and built their nests.

The anxiety of being an inadequate parent haunts many and the truth is there is no single right way to parent; neither is there a prescribed format to make children successful and happy except by instilling the right values in them. Embracing their imperfections as parents and learning to let go are difficult but essential traits to pick up in their journey of parenthood. What children need most is not a parent who has everything figured out, but one who loves them, supports them and is present through the highs and lows of life. Constant fretting about children will only take away from the confidence of the children and make them incompetent to face life’s numerous challenges.