I stare at the screen, trying to fix my next round of Filter Kaapi. I don’t feel inspired to write a story. Speaking anything now seems superfluous. Such have been the events of recent times.
I fidget uneasily as my thoughts steer towards the state of the world and the human condition. A collage of nasty images clogs my mind. Of blood-rivers, broken roofs and battered lives. Wherever one turns, there is a myriad of miseries. Mankind’s collective pain slowly creeps up and cramps my gut.
Sometimes, nothing makes sense. Neither words nor silence.
I linger in the numbness for a while, and then, in a sudden moment of awareness, I get dislodged from my passivity. I must take responsibility; there are no excuses.
It doesn’t help to merely shake the head and sigh when there are transgressions of this scale. I cannot pretend as if I have no role to play in all the evil that’s unfolding around me. As if my slate is clean and the mayhem is someone else’s doing.
Propelled to act in a moment of remorse, I punch in forcefully – THE WORLD ISN’T A MESS. I AM.
I haven’t learned to love enough. Without boundaries. Without self-interest. Without reason. My love is still narrow and meandering. Not vast and gushing. I haven’t stepped out of my confines and known the universe. I haven’t evolved enough to feel the oneness. I have failed the world. Miserably.
To set things right, I must become the ocean, I must become the sky. I must become the heartbeat of every bloom and butterfly. I must sweep into my arms every grain of sand and dissolve without resistance, like salt in water. I must be infinite in my capacities. Breaking, disintegrating and then coming together again.
I must know this for certain – life begins only when cells unite. Life sustains only when the united spirit thrives.
As I stare into the screen, oblivious to the surroundings, I realize that this terrible chaos I see around me springs from my innate blindness. I have no one else to blame. Awash with guilt and shame, I make a promise to the universe –
I shall do my bit to clean up the clutter. I shall strive to love, to forgive, to bond and to transcend the boundaries. Truthfully, without faking and putting up false claims. If I can’t love fully, I will not harbour despise at least. Help me clear the spite, bleach the stains and sanitize my inner space. And in moments when I lose sight and err, fill me with light, and inspire.
As I wind up without writing a story today, a line from an old wisdom alone repeats in the head – ‘Dhiyo yona prachodayat.’ (May He enlighten our intellect.)