Grey divorce: The new reality of modern relationships

Far from a rash dissolution of vows, grey divorce is reshaping societal views on commitment, showcasing that it can lead to new beginnings

The entertainment media is abuzz with news of AR Rahman’s separation from his wife of many years, Saira Banu. It is not the first time that famous couples, married for several years, have called it quits. What was once anathema in the old scheme of things—namely, a marriage breakup—has now become a lot more common, giving rise to a new term in the nuptial dictionary: grey divorce.

All cases of middle-aged separation have been well-thought-out decisions, taken after life has given the couples all their due during their togetherness. The best of relationships can fray, the pristine love that couples vouched for can gather moss, and what seemed like a lifetime’s vow can wither after many winters of frozen emotions. What was once considered unthinkable becomes inevitable in the narrative of two people who once thought they would grow old together and be each other’s crutch when their feet faltered. What had been held sacred and secure slowly gives way, and couples arrive at a decision that is ironic, painful, and liberating at the same time. We have now entered a new era of human relationships, where binding and breaking look like two sides of the same coin. While separation at a younger age is more common than parting at twilight or thereabouts, even long-standing unions are no longer immune to the reconfigurations of modern relationships. Grey divorce has come to symbolise not just the unravelling of a marriage but the assertion of individuality—a reclaiming of one’s universe after years of compromise and shared existence. For couples who part ways after decades together, it is not a rash decision taken in the heat of conflict but the culmination of deep reflection and an honest appraisal of their shared journey.

It is not about undoing the years they spent together or dismissing the love they once held; rather, it is about recognising that their paths have diverged, their goals have shifted, and their needs have evolved in ways that no longer align. Marriage, in its ideal form, is a partnership where two people grow together while allowing each other room to flourish individually. But as life unfolds with its relentless demands and shifting priorities, it is not uncommon for this delicate balance to tilt. What once felt like a harmonious duet may start to sound discordant, not out of malice or neglect, but simply because human beings are not static.

Divorce in later years, though heart-wrenching, is often an act of self-preservation—a decision to honour the person each has become rather than clinging to a version of themselves that no longer exists. It is a painful shedding of skin that no longer fits, and like all transformations, it comes with its share of sorrow and scars. Yet, it is also an opportunity for renewal, a chance to readjust one’s life with one’s inner truth. Couples who choose to separate after years together are not betraying the sanctity of marriage; they are embracing the courage to let go of something that no longer serves their mutual wellbeing.

It is a quiet revolution in the way society views commitment—not as an unyielding contract but as a partnership rooted in growth, love, and respect, even when that means stepping away. While the process is undeniably painful, it also holds the promise of freedom and self-discovery. It allows individuals to reclaim their lives, find joy in their own company, and pursue paths that were perhaps once abandoned for the sake of togetherness. Grey divorce is not the undoing of a life lived together; it is the rewriting of two lives that are still unfolding. It reminds us that while love may not always last in its original form, the lessons it imparts and the growth it inspires are eternal. And in that, there is hope—a hope that even in endings, there can be beginnings. As Rahman said, they will eventually find meaning in the shattering.