My Stories

The Hanky Seller of Bombay

The ladies compartment was unusually crowded for that time of the day. Especially for a Sunday. The mid day sweat soaked the skin and an acrid smell filled the spaces between breathes. The train dragged along without reproach. From station to station, retching out crowds that never ceased to infest its innards. Carrying travellers without definite destinations. People with habits that became routines, routines that spilled over to Sundays.

I managed to corner a seat by the window. I preferred window seats to others. I could rest my head against the metal hardness of the train and the poisoned waft of city breeze would lull me to a sleep. I slept, oblivious to the human substitution around me. In the midst of women who babbled and squabbled.

The cacophony waned as the train chugged into the fringes of the city. Vendors took charge of the vacant spaces left behind by the clattering chunk of women.

Little boys and girls vending inexpensive things from their baskets.

Ribbons, bindis, hairgrips and fancy beauty aides of inferior quality. Some carried a wooden crate full of small eats – snacks that the crowds munched on their way. They tapped me out of my sleep every five minutes, nagging me with their persistence to sell. They all looked the same, the unhealthy tan of their skin, the pallor of their face and an innocence usurped by poverty. I despised them for the reality they portrayed. I disliked them for the sense of helplessness their plight evoked in me.

Street children or at best, slum children. Adults who lived in little bodies. Navigating through the hideous lanes of sustenance. Selling odds and ends to travellers.

“Didi, kerchief…” the thin voice accompanied by a tender touch stirred me out of my delicate slumber. “ Do you want kerchiefs?” he asked, encouraged by my fleeting glance over his card board box of ladies hankies. I shook my head. “No. I don’t need ” I said hurriedly in an attempt to shoo him away.

But he stood there waiting for me to reconsider my decision, as though he knew that I would eventually pick something out of the medley of things he carried.

“No, I don’t want anything”, I said again.

But he refused to go. He smiled at me. It was a smile that was unlikely on a face wrought by destitution. It surprised me that privations could initiate smiles. But he continued to smile and it made me feel uneasy. It reflected an obscure hope. A bona fide appeal. It was a commentary on the wrench of lives bearing the toxicity of fetid city sewage that ran along their shanty’s courtyards.

I wondered why he had picked on me for his sell. Did he know that I dropped my handkerchiefs too often?  Had they left a trace that led him up to me? I smiled at the freakish thought.

All the while he stood in front of me, his head now tilted to the left, in anticipation. My involuntary stretch of lips made him grin once again. He felt encouraged.

“Three for ten rupees, didi” he said holding out the handkerchiefs.

“Give me five for ten” I haggled. A bargain for no reason.

He shook his head.

“Then go away”, I said defiantly. The rudeness in my tone embarrassed me.

“Four for ten, didi”, he offered.

“No.”

Like a persistent sales man he tried all his wheedling tactics on me.

“You wont find this quality at this price anywhere, didi. It is made of fine cotton. It won’t shrink or fade.”

I was unmoved.

“didi, I am yet to make my first sale for the day. Please buy some.” He was close to pleading.

I turned away to look out of the window. Time to alight. I was close to my station. I arose and proceeded towards the exit. He was in tow. He tapped on my arms lightly, but urgently.

“Not now; next time” I said hurriedly and waited for the train to halt. I stepped down.

The train pulled out in a minute. I saw him at the exit; the little jaws dropped in disappointment. There was no hint of a smile on his face.  The vexed look on his tanned face left a lousy feeling in my heart.

“Next time, at any cost” I promised myself.

I was certain about seeing him in the same train the next Sunday. And I was resolute about not haggling. Three for ten Rupees.

Stations passed by and the crowds receded. Vendors went about their business, coaxing and pleading, their baskets full. Baskets made of little dreams. Dreams that induced small laughters in their lives. Like the taste of water filled in an empty can of orange soda. They sipped it and smiled at the vicarious pleasure the semblance of sweetness it provided. The disguised gratification of life’s tiny delights.

I waited to see the smile of the hand kerchief boy appear at the entrance. But I never saw him again. I wondered if the city crowd had devoured him.

There were similar faces that made look alikes of him. But they were never the same.

“Where is that little boy who used to sell kerchiefs in this train?” I asked a look alike, describing whatever I could recall about his looks. I was convinced of the frivolity of my inquiry yet I pursued with my search for a nameless train vendor in an insane metropolis.

The look alike ransacked his memory for what looked like an eternity. “Are you talking about Rahim?” he asked finally. “The boy with a scar on his forehead?”

I was not sure if that was his name, but I nodded.

“He is dead, fell on the tracks last Sunday” The look alike said nonchalantly, as though falling on the tracks was common place. The easiest way of deliverance from their everyday trials.

I was transfixed.  “But how?”

“Madam, we are all illegal vendors in the train. We pay the police to escape the law. That silly guy had not paid the police for weeks. Bad days in business, you know. The police chased him and he jumped out of a running train to escape. He did that fearing the killer blows of the ruthless cops.”

My mouth went dry and I felt nauseated. My station was nearing. Pulling out a ten-rupee note I whispered to the look-alike, “Hand kerchiefs. Give me three for ten rupees.”

It was a strange buy of self-vindication.

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Why I, a Malayali woman, won’t speak about the Sabarimala verdict

I knew it was coming. Sooner or later, somebody will ask me this –

As a Malayali woman, what is your opinion about the Sabarimala verdict?

I knew one day I will be faced with this query. After all, I write. And all writers have a social responsibility to shape public opinion. Robust opinion that has the power to uproot citadels and shake up dynasties is our forte. Add to it the fact that I have been an opinion page writer for many years. Surely, I must have a view, a square and fair one. One that will be popular and in sync. Popular with whom and in sync with what, I have no idea. But I was prepared to take the questions head on, whenever they would come my way. One has to be prepared for battles of all kinds these days and must have one’s defenses in place.

Anticipating it early on, and primed for it, I took the question with aplomb. I knew what exactly to do. I smiled and said politely, ‘How does it matter what I think of it? I don’t wear my faith on my sleeve for all the world to see.’

It gave the questioner a free rein to voice his/her opinion and I was happy. I had so much less to speak. It was easier to keep nodding and agreeing to whatever was said. I was least worried about the right and wrong of the words spoken. To me, right and wrong are relative, never categorical or conclusive. ‘Realities’ are fashioned by contexts and circumstances and there is some amount of certitude on either side of the fence. Total truth, however, could be very far from both.

It must have got a bit queasy for the speaker to have me agree to everything, and so I was asked after a while, ‘Don’t you think it is wrong to flout age-old customs and break ancient beliefs? You are a writer, you must have a definite take on it.’ It was a direct salvo. I smiled again and refused to give anything away. Neither concurrence nor disagreement.

Yes, I write and I may have my opinion on issues. Or I may not.  If I have, it is not imperative that I broadcast my opinion and feel authoritative about it. I need not claim ownership to fleeting thoughts that are construed as beliefs. I need not give credence to ideas that might be popular but not necessarily true. My participation in inconclusive debates is only going to unsettle my mind with needless deliberation. I find no meaning in such an exercise. Because eventually, even this will pass.

If there has to be a reason for me to voice my view with relentless aggression and join either of the bandwagons, it is only to give my sense of self-righteousness a glorious rubbing. It is to hoodwink myself into believing that I matter in the larger scheme of things. I am of consequence to the rest of the race. To let the world know that I exist. And that I have what it takes to redesign human fate. To influence and alter mindsets. To bulldoze people into towing my line. My line, the right line. My convictions, supreme. My sentiments, sacred. All else, invalid.

What a travesty of reason! What a warped sense of individualism!

Before I succumb to this absurdity and become an advocate of one or the other side of the divide, I want to be convinced of one thing – that all the hollering I spend my time and energy on will bring me peace. My proclamations, my assertion of faith or lack thereof, the altercations and my exposure to the chaos out there will not dump distress on me. That proving someone else wrong and putting my conditioned thought in spotlight will take me to the path of lasting happiness. Let me be convinced of it and then I will take a stance.

Yes, there must be serious discourses to reset faulty world orders, but if they become viciously virulent, then spare me the agony. To me acquiring mental peace and thereby inner happiness is more vital than engaging in verbal fisticuffs that cause undue stress. If staying silent will fetch me a fraction of the peace we all genuinely crave for, that is what I will do. I will keep my trap shut and merely smile when asked to opine. It is easier to work on my internal variables to keep my life on track than to regulate an almost incorrigible world with my thought.

This much I am certain – in this season of chaos, raising my raucous voice won’t give me solace. Only my reflective silence will. I am an ordinary human being. I have no desire to stick my neck out and speak on things that I am not much acquainted with. Also, I care immensely about my inner stability. I will not let any wayward conversation stoke my sentiments and any virtual mob vandalize my peace. I will speak if and when I am needed to. Till then, let me be.