The Power of Apology

How many times have we had a ‘sorry’ stuck in our throat, times when our pride and a sense of ‘I’ (the ego) overrules everything and we let relationships go to the pits?

To most of us, offering a word of apology is a sign of weakness. It means we have surrendered. We are deeply embedded in the belief that apologizing means admitting our mistake and giving the other person an advantage. More so if we consider ourselves the sinned against and not the sinner.

The people in the story ‘Half-Empty Coffee Cups’ could have been any two people on earth bound by any kind of relationship (gone sour)  friends, divorced couple, lovers, siblings….why…even a parent and a child. Any two people who went their own ways for reasons that can’t be specified.

In our lives too, we often don’t figure why we nurture hard feelings, why we break relationships, why we become estranged with people who once meant so much to us. When small things lead to the big break, we label it as ‘incompatibility’ for convenience sake and silently carry the burden of a strained relationship for the rest of our lives. We may pretend that it doesn’t matter, but deep inside, it does, because we know things could have been better. We know we could have saved many a heartburn if only we had relinquished our pride.

Have we ever thought of reaching out to the other in such instances without doing postmortems of the past?

It may not fix the fracture, but it can unburden us. Sometimes, all it takes to liberate us is uttering a ‘sorry’ that has lain trapped inside. We may not be able mend the fences, but we can at least free our soul, even if it is years after we have crossed swords and parted ways.

The male protagonist in the story didn’t have any earth-shattering revelation to make, nor did he seek much from the meeting. He just wanted to release himself from his inner prison by saying ‘sorry’ for letting the relationship go awry.

It took years for him to conquer his ego, apologize and break free. He should have done it earlier, perhaps.

The Half-Empty Coffee Cups

She read the menu card from back to front for the third time in half hour and placed it on the table. She had arrived early at the South Indian restaurant because she had needed time to settle into a cozy space of mind, preparing for the imminent meeting.

Except for the bottle of Bisleri that had replaced the steel jug and the upgraded manner of people, nothing much had changed from the last time she had come there.

In those days, people came to eat, now they were there more to converse and catch up. Those who came alone then read newspapers or magazines while they waited for the food. Now they fiddled with their phones. Everything else remained the same – the menu, the interiors, the smell of coffee and the masala dosa from the neighbouring table. Even the memories they evoked had not altered in all the years she was away. Every corner of the room reached out with old familiarity and shook hands with her.

Her eyes eagerly sifted through the people walking in. Shortly, he would arrive. It was a meeting that he had arranged and she was surprised that he had chosen to reach out after all the years. Why did he want to meet her?

They had parted at a point when they had nothing to say to each other. They didn’t even seek explanations from each other. They split so lamely that she could not even remember who was at fault, to begin with. Some departures are like that, she concluded. They happen not for a reason except that the time is up. One should move on without leaving ugly stains behind. The pain shouldn’t linger lifelong. It must eventually die down.

She opened her mail box and read the message he had sent her a week ago and briefly regretted accepting his invitation. Snatches from the past flashed before her eyes. There was no resentment left for her to express. In the light of the fading past, she had very little to speak to him. The thought of having to force a conversation with someone for whom her sentiments were ambivalent made her consider if she should leave without meeting him. She had no appetite for cloying ruminations.

Just then she saw him at the entrance, his eyes flitting around and stopping at her. He looked worn. The old playful smile had matured and it matched with his greying hair. She wondered if so much time had indeed passed.

‘I am late. Thank you for waiting.’ he said, pulling out the chair.

‘No, I came in early.’

Moments of uneasy calm passed. They were fraught with unspoken thoughts that struggled to find a medium of exchange.

‘Nice to be back here. What will you eat?’ he asked leafing through the menu.

‘Nothing.’

‘Coffee, may be?’

‘You look tired,’ she said noticing how lifeless his eyes had grown from what she remembered of them.

‘All night I was rehearsing for this meeting, you see,’ he said, half-jokingly and motioned to the waiter. ‘Are you nervous?’ he asked after placing the order.

‘I don’t know.’

‘Were you not rehearsing anything to say to me? It is not easy to revisit the demons of the past.’

‘No, not really. The hard feelings have all been spent. It doesn’t matter anymore.’

‘To me, it does. I have been waiting for this day for several years,’ he said choosing his words carefully. ‘I have something to say to you. A confession of sorts. It took a long time for me to summon the courage to look you in the eye again and say it.’

‘You really didn’t have to drag you through this, really. We had moved on and found our own spaces. There are no regrets.’

‘We had moved on with life, probably. But my soul has been suffering. It won’t be redeemed until I say it to you.’

‘I wonder what it must be,’ she mused aloud. What uncouth truth did he want to shake out of the cupboard now?

‘Sorry,’ he said, looking intently at her and paused. ‘I owe this one word to you. It has been languishing for years, imprisoned by my mulish ego. I want to let it go and be free now.’

She searched for words to say as he placed the money in the voucher flap and handed to the waiter.

‘Things could have been better. I confess that I didn’t try enough and I let you go. I am sorry.’

She took a deep breath and ventured a placating smile.

Unable to say anything further, he stood up. ‘I must go. I have a flight to catch tonight. I hope you accept my apology,’ he said abruptly and left her waddling in waves of silence.

The waiter took away two half-empty coffee cups as she sat considering the poignancy of the moment. She slowly opened her handbag. Inside one of the compartments was a folded paper, yellowed and softened with age. She smiled smugly as a vague sense of vindication swept over her.

The note read –

‘I don’t rant anymore.

I now wait in silence, absolute silence

that one day

will stir you from sleep and

bring you back to me.”

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